Thursday, February 28, 2019

The Umbrella Academy - Move over Stormtroopers, There's a New Sharpshooter in Town

     Stormtroopers have notoriously been accepted as the worse marksmen of any organized fighters in any fandom.  However, after finishing season 1 of The Umbrella Academy on Netflix, I'm all in for highlighting the worst "trained gunmen" of all time as the Corrections Department of the Time Commission.

Look out as there are...


     I didn't feel this way the whole time.  After all, Five, Hazel, and Cha-Cha have notoriously been labeled as "the best" in the Corrections Department from the beginning.  Even after the first episode when Five strategically took out the gunmen after him, it felt as if they were dumb but at least somewhat capable.  Eudora and the police sounded as if they made a joke at how they were "professionals."  Then again, she may have been referring to Five's work.  All of that changed in the final episode of season 1.  [BTW: Diego and EuDORA... does that make Pogo Boots??]

     The culmination of the first season ends at the Icarus Theater where Vanya is to play as first chair in her concert debut, which happens to align with the onset of the apocalypse via her superpowers.  The rest of the siblings finally come together to stop her when the Commission sends their henchmen dawned in gas masks (with no gas anywhere) with giant red cylindrical eyes bursting into the theater to stop the Umbrella Academy from saving the world.  Yet instead of heroically dodging, ducking, dipping, diving, and dodging bullets, every single one of them finds themselves stuck in an aisle on the floor as bullets fly overhead when I realized something horrible... GODDAMN THESE PEOPLE CAN'T SHOOT WORTH A SHIT!!!

     Seriously.  The heroes were literally pinned down between the seats yelling to each other as henchmen invaded the bottom AND second floors from practically every entrance.  Yes, there were even henchmen firing from the balconies into the seats below at... who the fuck knows because not one of the heroes was hit by a single stray bullet.  Statistically speaking, even the spray-and-pray method has often landed many a lucky shot to unsuspected Call of Duty advocates, but no; not here.

     To make matters worse, Luther and Diego are in a wide ass walkway ducked behind the backing of an aisle of chairs - that is, until they get shot at and Diego appears down another aisle across from Luther supposedly squeezed between a different set of chairs like he's been there the whole time.

Five's head is sticking out well into the aisle as the henchmen didn't even bother shooting at him.

The henchman fired on the opposite side of the aisle to shoot through the chair (and missed) and didn't even bother to shift one aisle over to shoot Diego while he's stuck on the floor.

There were at least 2-3 henchmen in the balconies on BOTH SIDES... EACH!!  All of them were aiming down into the aisles below... still firing at who knows what.

There's two henchmen behind Klaus surrounding him.  Even if they were firing at Ben, they would still have had a clean shot on Klaus - the only physical person there.

     That last picture is after Klaus runs in unaware of the gunmen everywhere, stands up (still un-shot), and uses his power to pull out Ben's power to kill off the henchmen.  He's standing there with a blue apparition of his dead brother, and the henchman behind him is firing at what exactly??  Definitely not Klaus who is standing right in front of him and the others.  This isn't Dragon Ball Z, guys; you don't need to let him power up his ability right in front of you before you engage.

     So there it is.  The Corrections Department is now dubbed the worst "professional" marksmen.  Not only are they firing at nothing, but they lack the aptitude to shift for a clean shot on to take down 4 unarmed people cowering for their lives behind some chairs.  Clearly, they deserved to die the meaningless deaths they did.  I'm convinced they were all trained by this guy:

Written by: J Hooligan

#theumbrellaacademy #stormtroopers #sharpshooter #marksman #timecommission #corrections #correctionsdepartment #netflix #tv #film #filmblog #wtf

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