Errementari - A Hooligan Review

 

I got to watch Errementari: The Blacksmith and the Devil last night while I was working. It is a Basque film that retells a classic fable about a blacksmith battling it out with a devil. In this movie, a blacksmith named Paxti has captured Sartael - a devil en route to claim his soul - and has secluded himself away from the townsfolk until one day a little girl named Usue accidentally stumbles into the scenario and unwittingly lets him out. Beware as there are:

SPOILERS AHEAD!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Errementari is playing on Netflix, and I had been wanting to watch it for some time now. It was dubbed in English, so there was that awkward mismatch that comes with all dubbed films. To be honest, I would have liked to watch it in its original language with subtitles, and I still just might if it's an option.

The Good

Across the board, most critics and audience reviews claim the set design was top notch, and I agree. The designs were very stylized and the practical demons themselves had great looks to them that seemed much more real than fabricated. I particularly enjoyed the basic transitions / transformations that happen along the way though they were few. The cinematography was done really well throughout the movie too. I am a fan of the ending with Sartael changing into human form (same actor unlike his younger self earlier) and getting picked up to tell a story to someone new.

The Bad

There were moments where the story felt a little forced and wishy-washy, particularly in the 2nd half. Many parts didn't make sense, for instance, when Usue died but was somehow brought back to life after being stabbed by a giant pitchfork. Another instance is the taking of the physical bell and hammer to hell from the real world - still just unsure how that happened and just seemed to work for the movement of the story. Regardless, there are others, but those were the 2 that stuck out to me the most.

The Ugly

My biggest gripe about this movie is the pacing for the setup in the beginning. Although I threw this on in the background while doing some work, I still felt the pacing needed to be picked up. The opening image was good, but then it started to slow to a crawl. However, I did notice that after about 30-40 minutes, the story picked up and paced itself at a much more acceptable speed.

My other gripe is that although it holds many horror elements - like a stylized version of the Gates of Hell - I wouldn't really call it a horror film but rather more of a Dark Fantasy.

Follow-Up

In the end, I did really enjoy this movie for all that it was. As mentioned, I still want to watch it in its original language with subtitles to get a better feel of the actors and world they've built. I feel like this is one of those films where you just have to go see and let it take you into its story till the end. I'm almost at a loss of words for it, which is almost a bad thing (Dave always talks about how being neutral is a sign that it didn't resonate on any emotional level - and he's right). I didn't really feel for the characters as much as I wanted, but the story was interesting and the set design was amazing. I still recommend that you just go watch it on Netflix.

Written by: J. Hooligan

#errementari #theblacksmithandthedevil #netflix #fantasy #horror #thesmithandthedevil #basque #film #filmreview #movie #moviereview #hooliganreview #hydehooligans

Did Anyone Catch the Similarities??

 

This is not really a review of the movie, but there are...

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Whether you liked Predator or not for your own reasons, I found there was a huge similarity in the story that was akin to another movie that kept sticking out to me like a sore thumb the first time I watched it in theaters, and I haven't talked to anyone else who caught it yet.

Were you able to catch it??

Here's a hint, it's an animated movie.

Still no?

Well, here you go... It was just like:

Ah yes... the movie Predator had a resolution the same as the animated movie The Incredibles. If you missed it, that's OK. It was actually rather subtle in its application, but it was still there.

RECAP: At the end of The Incredibles, Syndrome's giant robot was terrorizing the city after he lost the remote control. How did they defeat it though?? By using it's own arm launched at himself as Mr. Incredible realized the only substance that could penetrate it was itself (a la the fight he experienced with the earlier model).

So what happened at the end of Predator? The exact same thing!! Nothing seemed to penetrate the new Predator's skin (*ehem* except the shield tech that severed its arm *cough cough*). Quinn strapped an explosive device to the arm and fired it at the Predator which penetrated itself and won him the battle. Yay! Win! Earth is saved! Thanks Mr. Incredible- err, Mr. McKenna. And not the other McKenna, but the miltary McKenna... err, not the end-of-the-movie McKenna, but through the whole movi- the Dad... the fricken Dad McKenna. Nobody likes first names including Predators.

What do you think? Maybe I'm a bit like Quinn in that I've seen a few too many animations with my kid and pull ideas from them to solve my problems. Let me know what you think.

Written by: J. Hooligan

#predator #predator2018 #theincredibles #animation #similar #story #plot #plothole #horror #didyoucatchit #opinion #whatdoyouthink #movie #film #filmreview #moviereview #hooliganreview #maybe #justmaybe #hydehooligans

Hotel Transylvania 3 - A Hooligan Review

 

Alright, here's the drill... do NOT read if you don't want to know any spoilers.

** Spoilers **

The other day I went to see the 3rd movie for Hotel Transylvania. Having seen the first 2 movies (and really enjoyed them) I found myself waiting in anticipation for this 3rd film to come out.

Hotel Transylvania follows Drac (Adam Sandler) along his journey as he learns to let go as a parent and realizing that his daughter is growing up. The first 2 films focused on Drac and Johnny (Andy Samberg) or Drac and Vlad’s relationship. He has also had to come to terms to appreciate non-monster-defanged-humans. Which brings me to the this latest film.

The 3rd installment of Hotel Transylvania switched it up from Dracula being worried about his family to him worried about himself. He was unsure if he would ever “zing again” (fall in love). What I enjoyed most about this story was that they incorporated more of a father daughter story arch that had been a bit absent from the first two movies. Mavis (Selena Gomez) worried about her dad and seeing that they didn’t get to spend much family time together mistakenly thinks that her father was lonely because of that prepares a surprise trip.

The monsters end up on a monster cruise where Drac zings with the captain of the Legacy Ship, Ericka (Kathryn Hahn) who also happens to be the great granddaughter to Abraham Van Helsing (which also makes her the enemy, unbeknownst to Drac).

Being the best-est of friends, Drac’s buddies try to get him to get his zing on. Hesitant at first, he sneaks around Mavis’ back to protect her from finding out; even ball tapping Griffin (David Spade) to shut him up - yeah, I caught. Way to make it entertaining for the parents in the room.

As a daughter who was told as a child that “you only zing once” Mavis finds out that Drac has zinged for a 2nd time, shattering her beliefs. I felt this helped Mavis’ character change from being the little girl who sees her dad as a committed single parent to seeing him as a person. It’s a big step when it comes to realizing that your parents aren’t super, that they too have had their fair share of mistakes and sometimes what they say isn’t always gold.

Aside from the touchy father daughter stuff, I found that Hotel Transylvania was entertaining overall. With homage to Gremlins in the cockpit and creating havoc throughout the flight. It was interesting to see the practical little monster become part of a children’s animation movie. Let’s not forget the homage to Indiana Jones when Ericka must retrieve her family heirloom. Despite the similar it brought Drac and her closer as he saved her life with every step… literally.

As soon as the final stop for the cruise was in sight my first reaction was that Atlantis is Las Vegas for monsters, with King Neptune being the main attraction and Frank feeding his gambling problem. My only question is, why closer to the end when everyone was moving to the part, were kids brought to what seemed like an EDM rave? However very enjoyable nonetheless. It also played well with Ericka’s character having the children there; when she makes a decision to save Winnie, a monster, as danger approaches.

Speaking of Winnie, after the movie I had to explain to my nephew (because he asked) why she wanted Dennis to look into her eyes and the definition of Zing. In return Dennis’ line “I’m too young to zing” had the audience in an uproar.

To add in, because it hit where home is for me as someone who really enjoys mythology. I thought the chupacabra joke was spot on with the goat in the glass.

---

~ Hooligan V

#hoteltransylvania3summervacation #hoteltransylvania3 #hoteltransylvania #HotelT3 #AdamSandler #AndySamberg #SelenaGomez #KevinJones #DavidSpade #KathrynHahn #SonyAnimation #hydehooligans #moviereview #hooliganreview

Tau - A Hooligan Review

 

After the train wreck of The First Purge, I really wanted a palette-cleanser and, well, I was up waiting for my laundry to finish anyway, so I took my chances on Netflix, and I came across this movie. Tau is a sci-fi thriller starring Maika Monroe, Ed Skrein, and Gary Oldman voicing the AI named Tau, directed by Federico D'Alessandro, and was released on June 29 on Netflix.

Look out because there are...

SPOILERS AHEAD!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

THE GOOD

I thought this film had done really well for using a minimal cast in a limited number of locations. I actually didn't even know that Tau was voiced by Gary Oldman until the very end at the credits. I already enjoy Oldman's performances but to be surprised by one was new and refreshing.

One of the positives to this movie was that there was definitely a rise in tension throughout as the stakes rose. Counting down time does have that affect when written correctly. Julia's movement (Maika Monroe) adapting to the environment and situation seemed relatively realistic as opposed to making her one-dimensional. It added a level of interest in her character I found refreshing... did I say refreshing yet?? *takes a deep breath* Ahh...

Another thing I liked was that they had an interesting way of implementing fear into the machine that I've not really seen before. Being able to have an AI act as if a creature threatened by its authority figure is a great way to build tension and add another level of psychosis to the story, and it was implemented well enough to keep the story moving forward.

What stuck out to me from the beginning was the level of darkness Alex had with kidnapping his victims and implanting the devices into them. He rose to a level of psychotic easily from the start, which is always good when it's not overplayed or forced.

THE BAD

One of the downsides to this film was some of the strange assumptions the story made. The writer (Noga Landau) took a lot of liberty to have audiences suspend belief to make certain plot points work. For instance, the AI machine that's supposedly built up to be self-learning somehow has no concept of what a "person" is at all. It's literally dealt with people (at least 13 people) every day of its existence so I didn't think that was well thought out. Another big one is the portrayal of pain in the machine. I get that adding pain and fear added another dimension to Tau, but it was still a bit of a stretch to consciously put myself back into the fantasy.

Another problem I had was with Alex's character (Ed Skrein). I think Skrein did a great job playing him, but I found it awkward trying to justify his reasons of why he's even experimenting on people he's kidnapped. Was Julia just a random person? I don't think I caught his reasoning for targeting her specifically or any of his subjects for that matter. You would think someone like him would have some sort of method to his madness, but I found that extremely lacking character-wise. It absolutely pulled me out of the creepiness from the beginning by trying to humanize him with corporate and money problems.

THE UGLY

One of my biggest qualms was the plot hole of the small drone retaining a memory of the old, non-wiped Tau. This led to the second weird moment at the very end when Julia takes the drone to the outside world and it's just like, "yeah, I'm here." I felt like it was that end of Finding Nemo with all the fish in bags saying, "now what?" I thought the drones were NOT autonomous and controlled by the centralized whole that is Tau located within the building. Wouldn't that separation make every single drone less about the main computer of Tau's AI? It really doesn't matter if it just happened to be outside some fading lights - it felt like a throwaway solution to move the story forward. Tau had full and complete range of its drones everywhere including into the bedroom. Was that some sort of dead Wi-Fi zone that was never really mentioned or discovered? I knew he was building it up, but Alex threw it over there after he saw the drone was busted. But again, every bit of Tau's "memory" was supposedly wiped, so why would the little drone help her?? Even more-so, why would it still recognize her at all in those closing moments before dying once it was reconnected to the whole?

FOLLOW UP

I made the mistake of reading some of the headline reviews on Rotten Tomatoes when looking up information about this movie after watching it and a lot of people weren't happy with it. I will say that it's listed as a Thriller and a Psychological Thriller on Netflix, but I would say that it works a bit better as a Sci-Fi or Psych Thriller more than a Thriller. Though the stakes were definitely raised throughout, I didn't feel the "thriller" side of it per se except in the beginning. One thing I didn't agree with in the reviews was that some complained that it was an old story. So the fuck what?? There's no new story structures out there, only new elements added to the old structures, so please just let that sore excuse for why you want to bitch about a movie die already. The ones that aren't cohesive story-wise or don't stick to the universal laws they establish of the world they're building are the ones that piss me off the most. Unless you're doing an Anti-Plot genre or style, then please stick to something with as little plot holes as possible.

Overall, this movie did a really good job at establishing the entertainment factor albeit some slow parts in the story, and the liberty taken on the suspension of belief it asked you to take for the sci-fi aspect. If you've got some time, check it out on Netflix.

If anyone hasn't realized yet, my Hooligan Reviews are just my take on movies right after seeing them the first time as to maintain an original reaction as opposed to a facsimile of one after some time has passed or after multiple viewings. We feel it's way more authentic that way. If you love or hate a movie, agree or disagree with our analysis, then that's all well and good. We're really not trying to bash or hate on any production companies or films but rather just make our reviews a bit more fun to read in the way we know how that also makes sense to us. I guess I should have said that in my last review, but alas - here we stand! That being said, go watch movies and take them as the entertainment pieces they're made to be! Everyone has different tastes and no one film is going to satisfy every single person. Any filmmaker that believes that is drinking that D-Lusional Juice they passed around at film school which is surprisingly the same juice they dispense in Disney's employee lounge areas. Don't drink the juice, Folks. Stay clean.

Written by: J. Hooligan

#tau #netflix #scifi #sciencefiction #thriller #psychologicalthriller #psychthriller #maikamonroe #edskrein #garyoldman #federicodalessandro #film #filmreview #movie #moviereview #hooliganreview #hydehooligans

The First Purge - A Hooligan Review

 

The Hooligans went to go see The First Purge tonight as we wanted something thriller-ish but also wanted to low-key make fun of while we watched it. In those respects, we had probably about a 70% success rate - not the making of fun of part but the thriller side. I won't even get into into that weird mid-credit TV spot they marketed into their own film (other than this time).

The First Purge is a Blumhouse Production starring Y'lan Noel, Lex Scott Davis, and Joivan Wade. It was directed by Gerard McMurry and premiered on Wednesday, July 4th. Beware as there are...

SPOILERS AHEAD!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

THE GOOD

The First Purge had an interesting setup as a prequel. A social experiment confined in Staten Island by the "New Founding Fathers" in order to justify how it would be "healthier" for society to allow people to let loose. I will have to say that my favorite part of the whole movie was the "pussy-grabbing son of a bitch" jab. I couldn't stop laughing at it even though it was uncomfortable to watch the shithead perform a sexual assault on film (as they always are). The follow-up right after was warranted in that matter and helped ease the tension.

That's about all that was good with the movie. Well, most of the main actors did really well in their performances, and it didn't seem like it was forced (see below) and actually felt like the makings of a great drama rather than a Horror/Thriller as it was marketed.

THE BAD

I'm going to be completely honest at this point and tell you that I missed the climax of the movie because I had to take a major dump. I'm only saying this now because I'm sure that the action portion of it would have at least resembled entertainment compared to the snail-paced movement of the story they tried to say was there but was absolutely underplayed on so many levels. I haven't gotten sleepy at a movie theater in a long time, but I found myself getting bored waiting for shit to just happen (and not the shit I took during the movie either). I mean, we've seen how many Purge movies now, and you want us to believe that drawing out the tension up to the first blaring horns is somehow going to surprise us?? Poor decision on that one. I literally was like, "this is the first purge... nobody's going to do shit as soon as it starts, so showing all the crying innocents doesn't play well," and they did exactly that. Additionally, I didn't really feel like there was a danger level like what was present in the previous films, which is saying something cause they rely mostly on jump scares.

Speaking of pacing, we both found the editing to be a bit off-kilter. There was some weird moments that were like, "let's throw this half scene in here to show she's pissed off for a second. I swear it drives the story forward." Like no, bitch, play out the drama - don't cut it in half! It felt like one of those moments that was going to start parallel storytelling between two locations but never actually went back to the first moment again... just left the anger flaccid with no sense of a refill on Viagra to pump up the volume again.

Let's take a moment to talk about the VFX for this film. Although one would think that a horror company like Blumhouse would opt for a bit more SFX blood (even just a little), The First Purge is rife with fake CG blood splatters and spills. I can understand having to use them from a production standpoint, but their use looked vastly rushed and amateurish. I'm talking about out-of-focus background scenes with clean blood outlines rather than a blur to at least attempt to match the focal length. Sloppy, guys... just sloppy.

Additionally, the very first VFX blunder that showed up was Marisa Tomei's weird outdoor green screen during an interview with horrible highlights. All I'll say is that at least the lighting matched. I know the shit show it can be to do green screen, but I expected a bit better than a half-step above what I can do myself in a day.

THE UGLY

The beginning was just weird with close-up shots on a therapist who I don't think was a main character and the Skeletor dude (Rotimi Paul). From the get-go, I already had to stifle my laughter. The Skeletor dude (my official character name for him) was like watching Shawn Wayans in Scary Movie when he got the dick stabbed through his ear... just over-the-top to play to fan service. In fact, his character felt genuinely psychotic at the block party when he built-up the tension of killing after that one girl was grinding on him - they needed more of that style of him if they were looking for psychotic, creepy, stab-you-with-3-syringe-Hero-ine-claws-type of character (that was Hooligan V's combination of "heroin" and "Wolverine" ergo "Hero-ine claws").

While we're on the topic of the Skeletor dude, I was informed of two awkward climax plot points that I found a bit strange (because I was told about them, not because I watched it happen - please see "major dump" statement above). One was the fact that Skeletor dude was killed off by the mercs rather than one of the main characters or at least during the shootouts with them. That means there was zero redemption for the weak lil bro Isaiah (Joivan Wade) to grow as a character; not to mention botching a clean shot like a moron with his gun to his head already. Seriously, just pull the fucking trigger at the murderer ready to murder you.

The second awkward point pointed out to me was that Nya (Lex Scott Davis) completely threw out her principles about NOT purging right after the mercs said the house was clear. They could have literally just kept hidden, let them clear out, and be safe like they planned, but she was like, "naw, fuck this shit - let's make this plot more interesting!" The only character I felt had somewhat of an arc was Dmitri (Y'lan Noel) which I could have sworn wasn't the protagonist from the beginning the way they told this story.

One of the last points I'm going to point out is the blatant political bashing. I mean, I get it... but I didn't watch the 3rd movie cause it looked like a piece of political trash waiting to be spoon-fed to us disguised as "entertainment." Taking a didactic approach to a movie rather than an actual story to entertain is ALWAYS a bad idea. Throwing political bullshit into the mix - no matter what side it's on - is like ordering the bottom-shelf expecting it to be top-shelf material... just leave it alone; it doesn't work. However, my favorite is still the "pussy-grabbing son of a bitch" line. Throw it in here or there maybe, but in a manner where it's justified and not by some douchey bit role character trying to force "funny" or a blatant overcompensation because you hate the government. That's what satire is for, and this is NOT a satirical movie.

As mentioned earlier, the underplayed story was supposed to show how the Purge actually came to be which felt like a B-Story with a rushed resolution to "silence it all." If you wanted to make a political-driven background to play out the drama and tension - then do it. You had so much more potential to make that happen and failed miserably doing so. Don't market it like it's going to happen, NOT deliver, and then make a film like you decided halfway through to kill people because you think that'll make everyone forget about it. Politically-driven tension to drive towards violence is much more entertaining and very different than taking a didactic, I-don't-care-about-story take on it just to start shooting up the violence factor. Justified violence (especially in terms of an antagonist or an antihero) adds way more interesting angles to come from than just shit ones.

FOLLOW UP

I will say that our instincts were correct (mostly Hooligan V's) about using The First Purge to poke fun of it all the way through; not that the Honest Trailer for the first 3 Purge movies we watched before going in helped that factor at all to begin with... In all honesty, I didn't find it as entertaining, as gory or gruesome, or as compelling as it didn't add or up any level of tension to the existing franchise whatsoever. It was like, "hey, let's make an origin story of The Purge but fuck entertainment; I've got more political metaphors and euphemisms to make!" Please go back to making stories again, Blumhouse. Please be better at what we know you can do.

Written by: J. Hooligan

#thepurge #thefirstpurge #horror #thriller #premiere #openingweek #movie #film #filmreview #moviereveiew #blumhouse #hooliganreview

WTH? Star Wars: The Last Jedi Inconsistencies

 

So I finally caught up with all the Star Wars films since The Last Jedi is now on Netflix. I know I've waited way too long to see it and despite hearing some bad things, I was still excited to watch it.

Alright, with that out of the way, I'm a lot upset with the weird inconsistencies that were going on throughout the film. The biggest things that bug me are the lack of world-building and strange plot holes. To be clear, I can easily suspend belief for fantasy worlds and rules so long as they're consistent within themselves. I found a good article that pointed out most of my qualms with The Last Jedi (and a few I didn't catch or don't agree with), but at around the hour and half mark, I just couldn't take them anymore. Below are my own problems with the movie that weren't mentioned, but this isn't a review.

[Here's the article if you're interested (Spoilers here too): Star Wars: 15 Mistakes You Completely Missed In The Last Jedi http://bit.ly/2lOsJsS]

If you haven't watched the film, then beware! There are...

SPOILERS AHEAD!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

To be honest, I was already irked from the very beginning with the inconsistencies. The point that majorly took me out of the movie was when Vice Admiral Holdo (Laura Dern) drove the ship through Snoke's fleet and demolished practically everything... and apparently everyone. Finn (John Boyega) and Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) came back from their awkwardly pointless mission of retrieving a Codebreaker (Benicio del Toro), which was apparently all planned out by the First Order including their meeting and capture or at least played out that way - OK... sorry, back on point. Anyway, the two were already captured, completely surrounded by an army of Stormtroopers led by Captain Phasma (Gwendoline Christie), and were just about to get executed. Enter lightspeed through Snoke's ship that nearly demolishes everything including the entire Stormtrooper army which miraculously disappeared... leaving only Finn and Rose by themselves still alive, unscathed, and with only a couple Stormtroopers bodies left... What made this moment worse was that Captain Phasma enters this apparently new inconsistent scene through the dust at a huge distance away with her entourage of other Stormtroopers... How exactly did this happen if she and all of her vast army were literally right next to them just a few seconds from executing them earlier?? This seemed like it was 2 separate scenes that weren't even together when filmed the first time.

Breathe... whew...

SHIELD TECHNOLOGY IS CONFUSING

This brought me back to the beginning as well with the next strange happening. With the Bomber runs on their way and not being attacked first (mentioned in the article already), Rose's sister, Paige (Veronica Ngo), is a gunner on the last ship remaining. With their bay doors open ready to drop a whole slew of bombs onto the Dreadnaught, and her pilot/copilot dead with the remote control pending a push of a button to drop them, Paige scurries up the ladder past the bombs only to get knocked down and left helpless (apparently). She then forcefully kicks the ladder above to drop the remote control dangling over the edge. She wasn't pinned or anything, climbed up quick enough last time, and didn't appear as if she was injured to impair movement (thus the violent kicking of the ladder). So after all of that, the remote drops, and she narrowly grabs it, pushing the button, releasing the bombs hanging over the open bay doors below to ultimately destroy the First Order's beloved Dreadnaught ship with a single bomber run across it along with Paige herself.

My problem with this was that the bay doors were already open as the bombs lay ready to drop with Paige out in open space. So at this point, again, I can suspend my belief that shield technology somehow traps the atmosphere in and around the ship to allow Paige to breathe but can also allow the bombs to drop through them without exploding on impact on the inside nor penetrating the shield's ability to maintain an atmosphere inside (they're one-way shields- sure). That would all be well and good until we go back to that first problem with Finn, Rose, and Phasma mentioned earlier. The lightspeed move eradicated Snoke's ship enough to completely vaporize the entire Stormtrooper army and leave a gigantic gash in the hull, yet somehow the atmosphere was just fine for Finn and Rose to breathe with no one sucked out. I would have said this could have stayed consistent with the previous rule from the beginning if it hadn't been for Leia's awkward Force scene when she was sucked out into space after the hull was breached (not the shield). So which is it? The shield can still protect parts of the ship only sometimes? Or is it just around our heroes when it's convenient to not kill them off??

Speaking of weird physics with shields and people, another part was the gravity in Snoke's destroyed ship. When Leia was blasted out with the hull breach, she was immediately sucked out into space. However, Finn and Rose were fine without holding onto anything with fully functioning gravity, which eventually led Phasma to fall to an untimely death (supposedly - no real proof of it; if she returns her left eye may be burned, so Brienne of Tarth turns into The Hound). So where does this gravity exist in a breached hull that decimated the shield?? Ugh. Speaking of which, wasn't the bridge destroyed when Leia was on it? Wasn't Poe (Oscar Isaac) on that exact same bridge that was destroyed?? Again, ugh...

Let's move on towards the final act.

MORE WEIRD PHYSICS

So, the weird speeders running through the white and red salt (which somehow separated over time; yeah, that's another one)... Since when does dragging a piece of your ship somehow stabilize its flight path?? Seriously?? Everything ever in the Star Wars universe says levitating above solid objects (you know, land not water) does not inhibit their movement, but dragging on the solid ground can completely destroy a ship. Yet these speeders MUST have it down or else they lose their stability?? Come on, now. The wake they tried to pull off in the previews was the red against the white similar to that on water (nice visuals and color contrast though, and similar to that from The Force Awakens with the X-Wings)... but again, that's water - a liquid, not solid land. If it were dust, OK maybe, but then that would make me ask which of it is exactly solid ground then?? The white salt or the red salt?? Solid and impacted enough for people and giant walkers to stand on and not sink... yeah.

REBELS HAVE ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAD AN EXIT STRATEGY

R2D2 scanned the schematics of the entire base and found it only had one entrance and exit... yet all of the troops did not leave through the giant front door (the only one) to get to the long trenches outside without getting attacked... so how exactly did they get there if the giant blast doors were the only entrance or exit?? Let's not even mention how (1) having a single point of escape for a Rebel base is completely ridiculous and nonstrategic on so many levels, and (2) that the huge ass hangar they were in didn't have a single path leading anywhere else in the world with all those tunnels in back. Let's also not forget the giant reactors or guns on the outside that seemed really similar to those on Hoth. You mean to tell me that the only access to those structures is across miles of land outside?? Really?? Well, they did have to run above ground in Empire Strikes Back on Hoth (and died doing it), so that could be feasible. However, Rebel bases, old or not, under similar designs have elaborate tunnels and escape routes - they had to be more clever to begin with or else they would have been wiped out from the beginning. Did they not have an exit strategy for ships on Empire Strikes Back?? I kinda recall an exit strategy in Empire Strikes Back.

USAIN BOLT ON CRACK

Speaking of the weird ass planet of Crait, I'm going to mention Finn and Rose again. They crashed just in front of the Walkers and the giant cannon, but moments after it fires, they just run in from outside after the blast doors have been blasted through (not really blast-efficient). I know this was mentioned in the article, but what I didn't agree with was that the walkers were just a few hundred YARDS away. The size of the speeders, the speed they were going, and the distance the walkers were shown were not just a few hundred YARDS away (that's 3 football fields, folks). If anything, they were at least a few miles away, yet Finn just runs up out of nowhere like Usain Bolt on crack dragging an unconscious Rose behind him like it was nothing. I don't know when the last time you ran a few miles sub-5 minutes dragging a whole other human behind you, but that right there is just bullshit.

THE FORCE IS JUST WEIRD NOW

As for the strange, interactive Force Bodies that can apparently affect the real world now (mentioned in the article), I didn't find it too hard to believe that Luke was using his blue lightsaber and Kylo being too much of an idiot to realize it was already destroyed. I do agree the Force Jewelry stuck around a bit too long though after Luke already stopped projecting.

By the way, does Luke get his old hand back as a Force Spirit, or is he left having to craft a new Force one?? According to Yoda and Obiwan's look, your Force Spirit looks just like you do when you die - absolutely barring Lucas' horrible decision to change Vader's spirit to Hayden Christensen in Return of the Jedi. This makes me really curious as to who judges you to become a Force Spirit or not. It's definitely not the Younglings Vader killed, that's for sure. Where are all the Sith that died?? Don't they operate with the same Force but just the Dark Side of it??

Speaking of the Dark Side of the Force... Snoke seemed a bit overpowered. So much so that he couldn't sense (or even hear) the damn lightsaber being turned against him RIGHT BY HIS SIDE! I thought he was good at reading thoughts, not just intentions. He can bridge two Force users together so they can hear AND see each other but can't do that for himself with his own apprentice in the same room?? There was also zero explanation or even an inkling of his origin before he died which seemed like really piss-poor planning on a movie of this scale. He's just another Sith roaming the Universe that somehow shows up as the most powerful one of all.

I AM A MASTER WITH NO TRAINING... LIKE EVER

The last and one of my biggest qualms has to do with the almost immediate "mastering" of skills with the Force. I say it's my biggest because I see this in a lot of movies today, and it's ridiculous. People with almost zero experience are just "natural masters," even though every single person beforehand had to build themselves up to that level of power.

What was great with the older films was that Luke had to TRAIN his skills to become adept with them; even Vader did, and he's like the Force's baby-child. Neither of them used some Sharingan jutsu to just duplicate everything they saw move-for-move, intensity-by-intensity. I run this akin to warlocks and witches not using incantations anymore but rather just snap their fingers and magic exists. Harry Potter did well enough to show a progression of skills over different school years and eventually moving up to non-incantation spell-casting. In every magic-based story or universe I've come across, non-incantations drastically reduce the potency of said spell while incantations make them more powerful; the same can be said of closing one's, eyes, using the physical body/hands for telekinesis, etc.

Anyway, my problem isn't so much with Kylo (Adam Driver) because he training with Luke, but rather with Rey (Daisy Ridley). Having potential is one thing... being able to just use everything without so much as a bead of sweat is completely different. I group that type of behavior along the lines of deus ex machina. It dehumanizes the people in stories like this and makes them much harder to relate to. That's like going, "oh look, I've got telekinesis! I moved one object, now I can move a hundred objects individually at the same time in every direction possible with absolutely zero practice. Sweet Plothole! Thanks, Writers!" That didn't happen in the movie - oh wait, yeah it did. Rey moved a ton of rocks with only so much as moving a lightsaber with the Force beforehand.

FOLLOW UP

So those were my biggest problems with the movie. The action was fine, but the world-building absolutely sucked and felt more like world-deconstruction. For a movie trying to set up a newer generation of Force users, I felt it didn't do too well trying to establish that. Let's not even mention the weird kids on Canto Bight that can use the Force... I'm not even going to touch on that one right now.

I love Star Wars, and I was excited for this movie. The rest of it was somewhat entertaining, but please... OH PLEASE... get your damn rules of the universe right!! And if they have already been established in a franchise *cough cough* like Star Wars *cough*, then just stick to what's already done and don't be an idiot about trying to reinvent the wheel. It became a powerful franchise on its own based on the Universe that was made in. Build, don't deviate completely unless you want shit for it. Story over rules is fine when the rules are still consistent.

I know I said I wasn't writing a review, but I guess this still sort of falls into one even being late as it is. Ah well, just please don't botch the next one. I'm all for exploring new ground but not at the expense of saying "screw it" for everything else that's been established.

Frustratingly Yours,

~J Hooligan

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